LOL Dallas Cowboys History

The Dallas Cowboys, or better known as "Jerry World" are a football team runned by the shadow emperor of the league.

1989-1990: The beginning of Jerry World

 * February 25th, 1989 was the legendary day the Palpatine of football would buy the team.
 * Jones preceded to tank the shit out of the team, but hey, it worked right?
 * Following their back to back Superbowl wins, Jimmy Johnson quit after Jerry Jones wanted to control the team, which Johnson didn't allow.
 * To this day, Jimmy Johnson's name is still not on the Cowboy's Ring of Honor surrounding AT&T Stadium.
 * Johnson is now being inducted to the 2020 Hall of Fame, god knows if Jerry will finally make amends.
 * While they won another Superbowl in 95 under Switzer, they were all pretty much with Johnson's core. The Cowboys haven't even made it back to the NFC Championship Game since.

2000's: The Rise of the Ego

 * Dallas said goodbye to Neon Deion in the 2000 off season, he'd sign with Washington (so he found no other success).
 * Then the 2000 season started... and it was fucking awful
 * How awful? Try Troy Aikman suffering a career ending concussion in the first fucking game against Philly.
 * The Cowboys finished in the basement at 5-11.
 * The 2001 season was pretty much a ditto at 5-11.
 * Now Dallas was once again dealing with competition in Texas as the Houston Texans started playing in 2002.
 * Start off by losing to them, and once again have another 5-11 season.
 * Around the end of the season, rumors got out that Jerry met with Bill Parcels on his private jet to step out of retirement to replace Campo. While it's good Jerry was going to change things up, it was pretty much a "fuck you" to his currently employed coach, whom he would fire at the end of the season.
 * Elliot Smith would be released in the offseason, another big face gone.
 * Jerry then successfully persuaded Parcels to coach the team, and like most Parcels coaching gig, it immediately made the team look better.
 * Parcels immediately got the Cowboys back into the playoffs, followed by a quick exit to Carolina.
 * The Cowboys still couldn't find a new QB as Quincy Carter was dropped in the preseason and Vinny Testaverde would be picked up. As expected by this move the Cowboys went 6-10 in 2004
 * Jerry then tried Drew Bledsoe, which was pretty much an upgrades of sorts as they went 9-7, still no playoffs though.
 * But in 2006 they discovered the guy they needed wasn't Bledsoe but in fact his back up: Tony Romo.
 * Bledsoe struggled in the beginning and Parcels decided "fuck it" and gave Romo a shot, this moved saved the season as the Cowboys clinched the Wild Card with a 9-7 record.
 * The Seahawks would beat them in a close game.
 * Parcells would retire again now that Jerry handsomely paid him, but the foundation he laid was still there for success.
 * 2007, the first season with Wade Phillips as HC, had a fascinating start, but a bad ending (or hilarious if you're a Giants fan).
 * The Cowboys would be a wrecking ball and win 12 of their first 13, the one loss was against the undefeated Patriots.
 * Despite a few blips on the radar the Cowboys would clinch the number one seed in the NFC, meaning a first round bye.
 * This had no effect on their current playoff losing streak as they would immediately lose to the Giants, who would stick it to them even further by going to the Superbowl and knocking off the Pats.
 * The Cowboys were denied entry into the playoffs the following year.
 * Despite a tragic accident where the Cowboys practice facility collapsed in a wind storm injuring players and coaches, the team rebounded back into the playoffs in 2009.
 * They also finally won a playoff game!
 * The momentum then stopped at the hands of the Vikings.

It Begins.

 * Dallas was relegated back to mediocrity in 2010.
 * After losing 7 of his first 8, Wade Phillips was fired and replaced by Jason Garrett.
 * 2011 was the first season where Jones' illegitimate son took over as the official head coach.
 * Garrett put his hand to his other hand as Dallas went 8-8 and missed the playoffs. They were then forced to watch the Giants go win the Superbowl again.
 * 8-8 then continues to be a trend as the same record was posted for the 2012 and 2013 seasons.
 * Garrett then finally learned to coach in the 2014 season and got the team into the playoffs with a 12-4 record.
 * They pretty much got a free-bee in the wild card round since they had to play to Lions, then came that next game against the Packers.
 * The Cowboys would lose to Green Bay in the way which no team wants to lose: Refball. After Romo threw 30 yards to Dez Bryant on a 4th down, McCarthy successfully challenged the call in a WTF is a catch scenario.
 * Following this, Jones started clapping too and gave his golden goose Garrett a 5-year contract for $30 million.

Do you hear that Clapping?

 * The 2015 season was a season of high expectations, we'll cut to the chase, they collapsed.
 * After winning the first two games of the season, Romo's body turned to glass, Garrett would Clap too loud causing him to break and the team would lose the next seven games.
 * Romo came back by Week 11, but then on Thanksgiving his collarbone was too fucked up and he would be out for the rest of the season.
 * The Cowboys finished 4-12.
 * With it becoming clear Romo was at the end of his career, Dallas picked up Dak Prescott in the 2016 draft in the third round. With their 1st rounder, they picked up a generational talent in Ezekiel Elliot.
 * Jerry Jones' new toys paid off for the 2016 season.
 * The powers of Elliot and Prescott gave Dallas a 13-3 record with a home field advantage going into the playoffs.
 * Then Dallas once again lost to Green Bay, Jason Garrett just kept clapping.
 * In August 2017, Elliot spun the wheel of discipline and got a 6 game suspension.
 * Without Zeke for some games, that season came up short.
 * After finishing 9-7, Dallas fans had to endure a greater pain than New York winning a Superbowl: they had to watch the Eagles go win a Superbowl.
 * Witten retired in the 2018 offseason and Dez Bryant was also released, so looks like some talent was wasted.
 * What was lucky for Dallas: this is when the rest of the NFC East started to shit to bed (now dubbed, "The NFC Least"). The Eagles were experiencing a major Superbowl hangover, the Giants got too focused on loyalty to old people and the Red Skins were still the Dead Skins. So they had an easy path.
 * And that they did, after adding Amari Cooper to the roster from Oakland, the team won the NFC East again with a 10-6 record.
 * This time there was no Aaron Rodgers to knock them out of the playoffs, it was a Sean McVay and his Los Angeles team.

Stop Clapping! Stop It!

 * Over the 2019 offseason, Zeke wanted to get paid more and started holding out (since both the whole AB and Andrew Luck fiascos were happening at the same time, we all kinda forgot about this), when Jerry was asked about Zeke during the hold out, he replied: "Zeke who?"
 * Sadly nobody would laugh as Elliot did return and come to terms on a new deal with the Cowboys, Jerry and Zeke made a Zeke Who shirt in celebration, because Jerry.
 * Dak Prescott was also up for a new contract, Jones was offering him a $30 million contract, but Dak wanted $40 million. As a result no deal has been signed and Jerry decided to evaluate him to see how much he should offer. But how can you evaluate a guy with a terrible head coach?
 * The 2019 season was Jason Garrett's contract year, how did that wind up?
 * Dallas was unable to beat any team over .500 for the most part, but remember, this is the NFC Least, they were just neck and neck with the Eagles whom were plagued by injuries.
 * After losing some crucial games, fans and the media were wondering why Jerry didn't think about making a coaching change, he's been so indulged in the Clapping he couldn't bring himself to do it.
 * By Week 16, all Dallas had to do was beat the Eagles to make it in the playoffs. But the clapping was too loud, as a result, Philly won and by next week they made it in while Dallas settled on an 8-8 record.
 * Jerry then finally fired Garrett, it took him a week after the season ended but he finally put some headphones on to stop the clapping. He's now the Giants' OC.
 * Jimmy Johnson was also nominated into the Pro Football hall of fame, while Jerry congratulated him he still wasn't put in the ring of honor.

Give it up Jerry.

 * The Cowboys then hired former Packers coach Mike McCarthy just a day after removing Garrett. It was reported the interview went so well that McCarthy spent the night at Jerry's house... that doesn't sound awkward at all.
 * The one thing that had Jerry sold on McCarthy was the documentary he did called "The Mike McCarthy Project", where Mike and Mike Nolan spent a ton of time at Mike's house figuring out what went wrong in Green Bay by studying film... from the 90's...


 * The big talking point of the off season was still signing Dak Prescott to a new deal, Jerry just gave him the franchise tag to delay talks. The pressure on Jerry got worse once Pat Mahomes was given a mega deal with the chiefs,
 * So how is the McCarthy era going? It's actually making Cowboys fans miss Jason Garrett.
 * The first problem was the Cowboys had no defense, they should be 0-4 a quarter of the way through but if it weren't for the Falcons choking as usual they're at 1-3.
 * Jerry of course didn't think any changes to the Defense were urgent since this is the NFC Least we're talking about.
 * Then Week 4 against the Giants happened, which is of course an easy win, but Dak Prescott suffered a compound fracture (which is where your bone goes through the skin).
 * You'd expect this to be the end of Dak's hopes of getting a mega contract, but since this is Jerry who tries to be that cool friend, he wound up getting up.
 * Anonymous players would then comment on how McCarthy and the rest of the staff were completely unprepared for the season.
 * Dak Prescott's back up was Andy Dalton, who had his career pretty much killed by the Bengals, the team would get crushed by the Cardinals in Week 6, then the following Week Dalton himself would be a victim of a dirty hit against Washington and not a single player from Dallas reacted to it. The player who did it wasn't even suspended.
 * After this humiliating loss Jerry was asked about a fracture in leadership in the locker room on his usual radio show, he would tell the host to shut up and deny the rumors.
 * DC Mike Nolan, who was in a virtual press conference addressing the defensive woes, got hot sauce in his eye while addressing reporters.
 * On Thanksgiving, the Cowboys would lose the Washington again in a big blowout loss. There are now calls for McCarthy to be fired.
 * What should make this even more lopsided is that the game was actually close 20-16 Washington in the 4th quarter, instead of going for a punt and fourth down, McCarthy decided to go for a fake. As you would expect, it did not work and led Washington crushed Dallas at home 41-16.
 * McCarthy would defend this fake punt saying it was welly executed, however if you watch the replays you see how easy Washington saw it coming.
 * To give an even more damning statement on how bad the Cowboys have been, the NFL decided for the first time ever to flex them out of Sunday Night Football against the 49ers.
 * Can it get even more damning, yeah it can! Troy Aikman would then remark on how bad it was, stating it's hard to say it isn't over when you can't win games and that a ton of shit had to be addressed this offseason.
 * There have also been rumors going around that The Mick McCarthy Project was all faked and McCarthy and Nolan weren't actually studying film for a year.
 * Jerry then watched the Cowboys fall to the Giants in Week 17, missing the playoffs once again. Even when Jason Garrett isn't working for Dallas he is keeping them out of the playoffs.
 * McCarthy would be spared, but Mike Nolan would be fired.
 * With Dak back the Cowboys went full steam ahead into the 2021 season.