LOL Chicago Bears History

The Chicago Bears are one of the two founding franchises in the NFL next to the Cardinals, unlike the Cards, they have won a Superbowl. Doesn't mean they aren't laughable though, feast yer eyes.

2000-2012: We're 66.6% of the way there...

 * Lovie Smith was hired as their next head coach for the 2004 season. He had three goals: Beat Green Bay, win the Division, win the Super Bowl. Well at least he got 2 of the 3 done...
 * The 2004 season didn't give Smith any first impressions as they went 5-11.
 * The 2005 season was the bounce back, but not without the hiccups.
 * Grossman would break his ankle in the preseason, so back up QB Kyle Orton had to start.
 * After losing 3 of the first four, something started clicking as the Bears would win their next 8 games.
 * Smith would then deliver on his first two promises with the Bears getting an 11-5 record and kicking Green Bay's ass in Lambeau on Christmas.
 * Smith was unable to deliver on the Superbowl hopes when the Panthers beat the Bears in a close divisional game.
 * If you thought 2005 was a great story with a sad ending, then wait till ya hear 2006.
 * This season would treat the Bears nicely with the explosion of Running Backs Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson, with them and fan support the Bears would claim the NFC North title once more.
 * This would bring the Bears to the Super Bowl.
 * Just one issue: they were facing a Colts team led by Peyton Manning. At least they put up a good fight?
 * 2007 would be a collapse to 7-9 because of course it was.
 * This was defensive coordinator Ron Rivera's last season with the team as his contract expired. I wonder what happened with him?
 * Grossman would prove to be inconsisent, resulting in a QB Carousel this season.
 * 2008 just wasn't good enough.
 * The Bears went 9-7, but the Vikings finished ahead of them, so they didn't make it.
 * Cedric Benson would get arrested twice and as a result be cut, at least his replacement Matt Forte was good.
 * Kyle Orton would also return to the starting role permanently this season as Grossman wasn't cutting it at QB
 * In the 2009 off-season, Grossman would go to Houston. The Bears weren't sold on Orton either so they decided to trade him to Denver for one of their QBs: Jay Cutler, and what would happen next would require popcorn.

Guess we'll just give up?

 * The 2009 season would go 7-9, with one game where Jay Cutler threw 5 interceptions to San Francisco.
 * The next season would go better, at the cost of Cutler's motivation
 * Following an 11-5 record and the NFC North in their grasp, the Bears had a hot date with their arch nemesis in the Packers in the NFC Championship Game.
 * In in the early third quarter, Cutler would get a knee injury and be out the rest of the game.
 * After losing to the Packers because of course they did, fans realized Cutler was using an exercise bike and deciphered his injury wasn't serious. Under the impression he gave up, Bears fans would burn Cutler jerseys and blame him.
 * Nobody really knows if Cutler's injury really was serious, but thanks to this impression it can be said this ruined his career along with a few factors of the 2011 season.
 * Jay would get the team to 7-3, but then he actually did get injured with a broken thumb. This led to a collapse to 8-8.
 * This season would result in GM Jerry Angelo getting fired. Phil Emery was his replacement.
 * The Lovie Smith era would end with the 2012 season, they went 10-6 but by this season the NFC North was top heavy with the Packers and Vikings. so he never fulfilled his third goal.

2013-present

 * LB Brian Urlacher who was red hot at the time was unable to come to terms on a new deal and left in the 2013 off season.
 * The Bear would hire CFL coach Marc Trestman as their next HC for the 2013 season.
 * While Trestman helped out the offensive, the defense evolved into a tire fire and was the worst in the league.
 * As a result, the team went 8-8, being eliminated by of course, the Packers.
 * Little to no development took place in the 2014 offseason and the team went 5-11, Trestman and Emery were both promptly sacked.
 * As Urinating Tree would point out, basically Bears fans are now waiting for McCaskey to pass away.
 * Ryan Pace was hired as the new GM along with John Fox as Head Coach, his three season tenure gave 14-34.
 * QB Mitchell Trubisky was drafted to the Bears in 2017 with the second overall pick, Chicago originally had the third pick, but traded up by giving the 49ers their 1st, 3rd, and 4th round picks. We now refer to Trubisky as "Mediocre Mitch".
 * Other QBs available during the draft were Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson.

Doinking Away Hopes and Dreams

 * Matt Nagy was picked as the next head coach, who was the Offensive Coordinator of the Chiefs.
 * The Bears then made a big splash by trading their first round picks for the next 2 drafts to Oakland for Khalil Mack, who wanted out of the Raiders due to management.
 * Mack would help guide the Bears to the NFC North title in 2018, then by the playoffs, we all got a good laugh.
 * Kicker Cody Parkey, who was pretty accurate for most of the season, missed the game winning field goal against the Eagles in the first round. It hit the uprights twice. The record shows an Eagles defender got a finger on it but only a little, it still should of gone in.
 * Like Blair Walsh, Cody Parkey hasn't recovered (chin up, bud)
 * Nagy would lose his mind over the 2019 offseason and go hunting for a new kicker, given the Bears were very bad at kicking for a few years, having a shit ton of tryouts to no avail. In the end, they traded a 2021 seventh rounder to the Raiders for Eddy Pinero.
 * The 2019 season regulated back to status quo: being the Packer's bitch.
 * It started by losing to them at home in Week 1.
 * Week 5's game against the Raiders was in London, Gruden flew his team out early in the week to avoid jet lag, Nagy did not, as a result the Bears lost in a close game.
 * Speaking of Oakland, the draft pick they got from Chicago for Mack was used on RB Josh Jacobs that year.
 * With the exception of the Vikings, the Bears pretty much only beat shitty teams.
 * In Green Bay tradition, they would deliver the death blow to Chicago's playoff hopes in Week 15.
 * The Bears still weren't sure if Trubisky was working for them as QB so they just signed Nick Foles, who pretty much just gives franchises false hope.
 * The 2020 season was just more of the same
 * First off don't let the 5-2 record fool you, the Bears had an easy schedule, right when they lost to the Rams CBS Sports dropped them 8 spots in power rankings and labelled them frauds. This analysis was completely correct as they collapsed.
 * After said Rams loss Nagy's play calling came into question if he should give it up, that'll immeditaley heat up your seat.
 * Oh yeah and Mediocre Mitch got benched again for Foles. That isn't surprising. The Bears still kept losing.
 * Foles then got hurt, as a result putting Trubisky back at starter for a Sunday Night ass whopping from the Packers in Week 12, Nagy also gave up the play calling duties this game.
 * In this scenario, you would want the Bears missing the playoffs so the McCaskey's make changes to the front office. Unfortunately, the Cardinals would fuck up their chances handing the Bears a free ticket to the playoffs.
 * As expected, the Saints proceeded to blow out Chicago in wild card weekend, Mediocre Mitch didn't get a single TD, only one FG was scored by the Bears. This would be Trubisky's last game with the Bears.
 * Chicago decided to bring on Andy Dalton after his failed year with the Cowboys (whose career is pretty much over after going to so many bad teams)
 * But the team had bigger plans, at the 2021 draft the Bears moved up sending their 2022 first to the Giants to take hot prospect Justin Fields!
 * The funny part is, nobody told Dalton about the plan and when asked why he signed when the Bears were going to draft a QB, he said Chicago told him he was going to be the starter. Awkward.