LOL Houston Texans History

The Houston Texans are the second NFL team to be granted to the city following the departure of the Oilers. They are the youngest franchise in the NFL today and remind us all we can do better.

The LOL History of the Houston Oilers will be under the Tennessee Titans LOL History page.

2000's: The Beginning

 * The idea for a new Houston NFL team actually goes back to 1997 right after the Oilers left for Tennessee, Bob McNair failed to get a hockey franchise to the city and decided to go for football. While the competition was against Los Angeles and Toronto for an expansion team, LA didn't really give a damn about football anymore while Toronto didn't know what it even was. The 32nd NFL franchise was Bob's for the taking.
 * The team started play in 2002, there isn't much to talk about on the field since they just started but at least they won their first game, erasing any chance on being worse than when the Buccs started.
 * After a few years of pretty much mediocre the Texans were finally mediocre enough to get the first overall pick in the 2006 draft. GM Charley Casserly, was getting a lot of heat with his decisions (one of which was giving up 2nd and 3rd round picks for Philip Buchanon), even from McNair who fired HC Don Capers at the end of the awful 05 season, but kept him out of respect for what he did in Washington, so Charley had to make an impression, he wouldn't.
 * The 2006 draft class saw two promising names in RB Reggie Bush and QB Vince Young, leading to huge debate for months and who Casserly would draft.
 * But in the end he wouldn't draft either, instead he drafted DE Mario Williams, as the draft was in Houston that year, this decision was heavily booed by the crowd and analysts were left wondering wtf the Texans were thinking.
 * To make this even better, Casserly would leave the organization in June! The consensus is he wasn't happy with McNair scolding him and decided to fuck things up in the draft before leaving.
 * Reggie Bush and Vince Young went number 2 and 3 in the draft and would have great first seasons as Williams struggled.
 * The Gary Kubiak era kicked off in 06, it would be 6 seasons until the team would make it into the playoffs

2010's: BOB is a hack

 * The 2011 season was the beginning of the Texans' defense going from one of the worst to one of the best, led by JJ Watt. This boost gave the Texans they needed to win the AFC South for the first time and make it into the playoffs. They beat the Bungles in the wild card, but the Ravens knocked them out in the second round.
 * The same results happened in 2012, except replace the Ravens with the Patriots.
 * The Texans tried to upgrade their offense with their 1st round pick WR DeAndre Hopkins, who would be a major success, but couldn't stop the 2013 disaster.
 * After victories over San Diego and Carolina, that would be it as they lost the remaining 14 games.
 * Bob McNair rightfully kicked Kubiak out the door after Week 14.
 * McNair then hired a man whom god knows was able to keep his job for so many years, a man who came from none other than the Bill Belichick coaching tree: Bill O' Brien (He can be referred to as BOB).
 * BOB's first three seasons were all 9-7, so good but not great at the same time.
 * Meanwhile, during this time period, ex-Texans coach Gary Kubiak would win a Superbowl with the Broncos.
 * While the 2017 season was the first Houston's new franchise QB, Deshaun Watson, it was also a major step backwards, and both Bob and BOB pretty much didn't help matters.
 * This was when the whole kneeling protests were in full swing, Bob McNair a Republican, referred to this as "inmates running the prison" at an owner's meeting, resulting in a bunch of Texans players kneeling for the anthem.
 * After going loss, win, loss, win, loss, win, the Texans had to pick what to do for the rest of the season, unfortunately, Watson's ACL picked for them and the team lost 10 of their last 11.
 * GM Rick Smith ultimately left after 2017 due to family issues, he was replaced by Brian Gaine.
 * The success of the 2018 season can actually be credited to the Texans' Reddit page for the ultimate sacrifice to the fast food gods.
 * After losing their first 2 games, depressed r/Texans mods decided to turn their subreddit into a Whataburger sub for a day, with all posts being about the glory of the fast food.
 * Little did Reddit know this was what would save the season as the Texans won their next 10 games, going 12-4 and winning the AFC South.
 * However as the old adage goes: "The Whataburger giveth, the Whataburger taketh away", as the Texans marched into the Wild Card getting bitch slapped by the Colts.
 * Oh yeah and Bob McNair passed away during the season.
 * The 2019 offseason, the first under McNair's son Cal, can be best described as, "WTF are you doing???"
 * First, the Texans hired another Patriots disciple (and pastor) in Jack Easterby as the Executive Vice President of Team Development.
 * Easterby was the Team Development Director and Character Coach form 2013-18, a pretty much meaningless position in that organization since Belichick is pretty much in charge of everything.
 * Due to this move: After only one year on the job, GM Brian Gaine was fired. The Texans were now well on their way to another Patriots imitation attempt in the NFL.
 * OL Jadeveon Clowney was traded to Seattle for 2 lower rated OLs and a third rounder. Because 2 is better than one I guess.
 * The Texans also traded their 2021 first and second rounders for OT Laremy Tunsil and WR Kenny Sills from Miami. More on that later!
 * The 2019 season yielded similar results to last year, going 10-6 and winning the division, but that's not what this season is the talk about.
 * After beating Buffalo thanks to Josh Allen pretty much peeing himself, the Texans marched into Kansas City and amassed a 24 point lead, in the most amazing way possible they would choke and lose 51-31.



2020's: Controlling the Prison

 * After an embarrassing choke like that, you'd expect a coach to be fired for such atrocity, instead, Cal McNair gave Bill O Brien GM Power.
 * Jack Easterby was also promoted to full on Executive Vice President, giving him more power.
 * Bill's first order of business: trading away DeAndre Hopkins for a 2020 2nd, a 2021 4th rounder, and a past prime RB in David Johnson. This was following a Pro Bowler year for Hopkins and has been called one of the worst trades ever.
 * O' Brien also reportedly compared Hopkins to Aaron Hernandez, like wut???
 * Hopkins has been replaced by Brandin Cooks from the Rams, who is still having injuries. The payment was a 2020 second rounder. Los Angeles used the pick on Van Jefferson, so just keep an eye on him to see how this trade works out.
 * At least they did pay Watson, so no need to worry about him... yet.
 * Oh yeah, and once again as a reminder: Houston doesn't even have a 1st rounder for 2021. They gave it to Miami (along with their second rounder) for Sills and Tunsil.
 * EasterbyMcNair.jpg end results of these terrible moves? BOB getting fired a quarter of the way into the season.
 * Start off getting ass blasted by the defending champion Chiefs on Thursday Night. Missing Hopkins yet?
 * David Johnson was also having problems getting going, showing how bad that trade was. BOB was hellbent on justifying this trade resulting in a bunch of running plays which contributed to Houston's terrible start.
 * After the Week 3 loss to the Steelers, JJ Watt had enough and yelled at BOB at a practice, you lose JJ, you lose the rest of the locker room.
 * And that's what did it, after the week 4 loss to the Vikings, BOB was finally fired, McNair then gave the GM power to his buddy Jack Easterby instead of canning him too.
 * Right before the last game of the season JJ Watt went on a rampage in a press conference talking about if you can't put the work in day in day out then you shouldn't be here, you wonder if he was referring to management here.
 * The season ended at 4-12, with the number 3 overall pick in the hands of Miami who just missed the playoffs at 10-6.

The Patriots Boys' Club

 * So after failing miserably with one disciple from the Belichick tree, what does Houston do? Go out and hire another then have DeShaun Watson demand a trade!
 * First off, DeShaun was granted a say in the GM search for Houston and the Texans hired the Korn Ferry Consulting company to search for the best candidates. KF brought some good names to mind, including Omar Khan and Scott Cohan.
 * Jack Easterby's opinion? None of them were from the Patriots, one talk with Cal McNair later and without Watson knowing about anything the Texans went ahead and hired Patriots director of player personnel Nick Caserio.
 * DeShaun Watson, pissed by this, officially demanded a trade, he will never be playing for the Texans again.
 * JJ Watt wanted out too and he got it as the Texans released him. He then joined Hopkins in Arizona.
 * Oh yeah and their head coaching search, wtf even was that search, Easterby interviewed QB Josh McCown for the role, yeah we're just going to stop right there, Josh McCown, a current active QB on the Texans roster with no NFL coaching experience or college.
 * But who did the Texans hire for the HC role? None other than David Colley, the passing coordinator from the Ravens. Yep, the Lamar Jackson led Ravens who had the worst pass rating in the league.
 * Unfortunately for DeShaun, allegations involving massage parlors wound up coming to bite him in the ass affecting his trade value, the Texans are now holding him until they get a kings ransom. Which they probably won't get.
 * The Deshaunless 2021 season is now underway.