LOL Arizona Cardinals History

The Arizona Cardinals can literally be called the worst franchise in the history of the NFL, they are one of the original teams in the league and yet have never won a Superbowl.

1988: Off to the Desert

 * Following mediocrity in St. Louis, the Bidwell's decided to pack their bags and move to Phoenix in 1988 with them temporarily playing at Sun Devil until their new stadium got built.
 * Unfortunately for them, the savings and loan crisis hit and they were stuck playing Tempe for 18 years. 
 * For the 1988 season, they won 7 of their first 11 and set to make the playoffs, then they would lose their last 5.
 * The 1989 season would be a disaster
 * After a strong start, a shit ton of injuries would plague the team.
 * Coach Gene Stallings announced his decision to retire after the season's end, for some reason, GM Larry Wilson asked him to leave immediately and let Hank Kuhlmamn take the reigns.
 * They'd go 5-11 as a result.
 * The next three seasons under Joe Bugel would hail of combined 13-35 record
 * Bugel would lose his job after posted a 7-9 season in 1993.

"You got a loser in town"

 * The next coach would be Buddy Ryan, who also was named GM, prior to the 1994 season, he would claim "You've got a winner in town", how'd that turn out?
 * After guaranteeing a victory in week 3 to the Browns, they would get ass blasted 32-0.
 * Wasn't all bad though, they would have a chance to make it to the playoffs if they beat the Falcons!
 * Then they would lose that game and finish 8-8. So Buddy wasn't right but he wasn't wrong.
 * Arizona would promptly apologize for hiring an idiot like that by firing Ryan less than a day after the team lost to the to-be-champs Cowboys in the 4-12 1995 season.
 * With new coach Vince Tobin, the team would improve in the 96 season going 7-9, then go back to the mediocrity of 4-12 the following season.
 * The 1998 would blossom for the franchise and their QB Jake Plummer.
 * They'd go 9-7 and finally make it back to the playoffs, even though most of these games were close they were seen as heavy underdogs.
 * The first round would be in their favor with a major upset over Dallas 20-7, this was the franchise's first playoff win in 51 years
 * The dream would end as soon as next week when the Vikings swatted them like flies 41-21
 * Annnnnnd down to 6-10 for 1999.

2000s

 * Tobin was then fired during the 2000 season and replace by defensive coordinator Dave McGinnis, who had the job until 2003. To be honest, there isn't anything to put here besides his 17-40 record.
 * Around the turn of the millenia, the Cards were also having trouble drawing in fans, that's what happens when your playing in a college stadium out of the desert for 18 years with no success.
 * What's also interesting is before the Texans came around, the Cardinals were in the NFC East despite being on the west coast. So they had no geographic division rivals, which didn't help attendance.

They are who we thought we were!

 * Dennis Green would be hired as their next head coach for the 2004 season, who led the Vikings to 2 NFC championships, so he was pretty qualified actually. They would also draft a generational talent in WR Larry Fitzgerald.
 * Still didn't stop a 6-10 record
 * The 2005 season was the final season in Sun Devil stadium before finally moving to their own retractable roof stadium (which to this day is still a really good stadium). The Cards went 5-11 as a salute to what basically summed up their time there.
 * So with the 2006 season, they finally had a better home. Maybe it would turn things around?
 * Nah, they would lose 7 of their first 8.
 * That Week 6 game though would become what Dennis Green was only known for in Arizona.
 * The Cardinals led by 20 points on the Bears at home, then they proceeded to blow it on 2 fumble recovery touchdowns and a punt return touchdown. So the Bears didn't do a single thing on offense but still won thanks to three royal fuck ups.
 * Following this game Dennis Green would go on his famous tirade: "If you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were, and we let 'em off the hook!"
 * Green then fired offensive coordinator Keith Rowen due to this choke job.
 * After going 5-11, Dennis Green was fired.

Introducing out new Head- oh wait he's already gone

 * The Cardinals would name Steve Wilks as their next coach, who hadn't had one of those positions for like 20 years. His staff were also questionable.
 * GM Steve Keim would get butt drunk on the 4th of July and be arrested under Extreme DUI (yes, that is a thing in Arizona), he was suspended for 5 weeks of the 2018 season and fined.
 * The Cards would also draft a young QB in Josh Rosen for the 2018 draft, but they weren't set on starting him already so they settled on none other than Sam Bradford.
 * The 2018 season would be a shit show.
 * Sam Bradford was so bad they cut him almost halfway into the season.
 * Offensive Coordinator Mike McCoy only lasted 7 games and was fired after the loss to his former team in Denver.
 * Rosen would start for the rest of the season, but with that shitstorm of a team he had didn't have a prayer, the team would go 3-13, the worst in the league, and be recipients of the first overall draft pick.
 * After just one year coaching, Wilks was fired. For some reason Keim wasn't fired either.

You had coffee with McVay? You're hired!

 * The next HC was Kliff Kingsbury, yes, Tom Brady's former back up, the Texas Tech coach who struggled to get the team off the ground, that Kliff Kingsbury, but since he once got coffee with Rams HC Sean McVay he qualified for the job.
 * The Cardinals are really lucky Larry Fitzgerald decided to stay with the team for another year.
 * Instead of thinking of fixing Rosen, the Cardinals decided "fuck em" and drafted another new QB with the first overall pick, Kyler Murray. Josh Rosen would be exiled to the hell known as the Miami Dolphins.
 * At least the 2019 season was better.
 * The post season would be a major win for Arizona as the would rob Houston of WR DeAndre Hopkins (they didn't even give a first rounder, think about Bill O' Brien doing that).
 * One issue though is the Cards also gave him a 2-year $54.5M extension (which he negotiated himself... nice). So they better be praying for results from him and Murray.
 * The 2020 season was OK, though at 8-8, and they got really close to a playoff birth, Kyler Murray got injured in the last game of the season and that pretty much ended the hopes.