LOL Cleveland Browns History

The Cleveland Browns are an NFL franchise producing nothing but misery since being rebooted in 1999. The team has seen historic levels of mediocrity with how the franchise has been run.

1st Incarnation
Depending on what you believe, the Browns were actually first founded in 1944 by Paul Brown (yep, the same one that found their fellow Ohio lolcow native in the Bungles) and were respectable until the 90's, when everything changed.

Modell tells Cleveland to go fuck itself

 * After years of mismanagement and bad financial practice, owner Art Modell was suffering from financial instability and lawsuits up the ass. As a result, he decided to pack the franchise's bags and send them to Baltimore.
 * The city started to bend over backwards to convince him to stay, but he was already dead set on moving to escape selling the team like every owner would do.
 * This did not set well with Browns fans at all as they would proceed to riot throughout the '98 season.
 * In what can be described as more of a Ravens LOL moment nowadays, Bill Belichick, who was the Browns HC at the time, thought he was going with the team to Baltimore, he was fired before the move, we all know what happened with him

Reborn by Mediocrity
While Modell technically moved the team, he left the franchise history and records in Cleveland, therefore the Baltimore Ravens are considered an expansion team by many. The second and current incarnation (which we all know and love) returned to the NFL in 1999.

Tripping Right out the Gate

 * In their first game back in the league, they would get blown the fuck out by the Steelers at home, they'd lose another 6 six games and go 2-14 for the season.
 * They would improve next year! ...by just one more win... Chris Palmer would be axed. They also had to watch Art Modell's Ravens win a superbowl this season.
 * Their next head coach, Butch Davis would bring the team to playoff contention for the 2001 season, all they had to do was beat the Jaguars in Week 15 to get in.
 * We all know what happened in this game, bottlegate: following a reversal call on an early what-the-fuck-is-a-catch moment which could have won Cleveland the game, fans began throwing garbage onto the field and the refs just threw out the game. (Paul Tagliabue would demand the game be completed, but all Jacksonville had to do was run the clock)
 * The Browns would get into the wildcard the following year, but Tim Couch would break his leg in the last game. The defense would collapse and they would lose to the Steelers in the wild card game.
 * The kicker: This is the best it got for the Browns since
 * Owner Randy Lerner would go impatient following the death of his father Al and wind up burning the front office down. GM Policy and Coach Davis would both resign from the dysfunction, thus, the Factory of Sadness was born.

Continuous Mediocrity

 * The next GM and Head Coach would be Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel, respectively, Savage and Team President (at the time) Phil Collins would have immediate philosophical differences and as a result Collins would resign, Owner Randy Lerner took care of his responsibilities.
 * Cleveland's 1st round 04 pick, TE Kellen Winslow, got injured around this time by means of a motorcycle accident.
 * The Browns signed center LeCharles Bentley in the 2006 off season, who was considered the hottest free agent that year. He would suffer a career ending injury in training camp. But that was just the top of the story, he also got a staph infection. 
 * Following the ensuing chaos, the team would go 4-12 for the 2006 season.
 * The 2007 would see their best winning season since returning to the league in 1999, however, going 10-6. But since they lost twice to the Steelers, they didn't make the playoffs.
 * The team collapsed again the following season going back to 4-12. But the 2008 season would be much more of shit show than just the record.
 * More Browns players were diagnosed with Staph infections, leading to sanitation concerns.
 * Phil Savage would also lose it this season, and wind up getting in an angry email exchange with a fan, Deadspin would publish the emails and as a result him and Crennel were given the axe.
 * Between the 2005 and 2008 seasons, the Browns also went through a large number of Quarterbacks, including, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, and Ken Dorsey.
 * Their next GM and head coach would be former Ravens personnel George Kokinis and former Jets HC Eric Mangini, respectively. Kokinis would only last half a season before being fired after a 1-7 start, Mangini would be fired after two 5-11 seasons.
 * GM Tom Hekert and Coach Pat Shurmur would be their replacements, they wouldn't do any better with the 2011 pre-season being shortened and QB Colt Mcoy struggling to develop.
 * After the 2011, Browns fan Mike Polk would make the famous "Factory of Sadness" rant video, which would be the team's identity.
 * When Art Modell passed away in 2012, the Browns were planning on having a moment of silence for the home opener (honoring the guy who fucked over your city, lol). Luckily, Art's family was smart enough to ask Cleveland to pull the plug on that, due to the fact it would of turned into a shitstorm.

Surplus of Sadness

 * The Good News: finally realizing he didn't know how to run a football franchise, Randy Lerner sold the team. The bad news: he sold it to Jimmy Haslam, another guy who doesn't know how to run a football franchise.
 * Another two years, another GM and coach axed, Heckert and Shurmur would be fired after Shurmur posted an 9-23 record (how the Giants didn't know this is anybody's guess as Pat would land a HC job there from 2018 to 2019, doing even worse).
 * 2013 began a new era with VP Micheal Lombardi, CEO Joe Banner, and HC Rob Chudizinski... after another 4-12 season, all 3 would be gone with Lombardi and Chudzinski being fired and Banner resigning, well that was fast.

JOHNNY FOOTBALL!

 * In the 2014 draft, the Browns would spare no expense analyzing who they should pick to be their next QB. After spending millions on a study, they found Teddy Bridgewater would be their best pick, the Browns rejected these results and drafted a man who would be one of the biggest failure success stories in the NFL: Johnny Football (Manziel)
 * Teddy Bridgewater would go to the Vikings and have a good career there until an injury, fast forward to 2019 and he'd carry the Saints as back up during Drew Brees' injury.
 * The glorious reign of Johnny Football would begin with the 2014 season.
 * After a pre season game, Manziel would flip off the Redskins and get fined $12,000
 * Manziel would start in a Week 15 game (after being eliminated from playoff contention) against the Bungles where they would get blown the fuck out 30-0
 * GM at the time Ray Farmer also attempted to cheat by texting coaches during the season, he'd be caught, suspended for 4 games, and the team would be find $250k. How the hell do you get caught doing that?
 * The 2015 would sadly end the story of Johnny Football in Cleveland.
 * Before the season, Manziel would go into rehab for alcoholism.
 * Treatment would prove to be no match for the Great Johnny Football: In October, he would be pulled over for getting in a drunk fight with his girlfriend.
 * Manziel would start showing some potential and be named starter eventually... for like a week. After the announcement, videos surfaced of him partying in Texas over the BYE week. He was demoted to third string QB following that.
 * In the final game of the 2015, Manziel was ruled out with a concussion, by rule he still had to show up at the game in Cleveland to show support, instead, like a smart man, he went to Vegas to party and no showed.
 * In the off season prior, the Browns signed WR Dwayne Bowe to a 2-year deal for $9 million guaranteed, he only made 5 catches during the season. The Browns released him the following March but the dead cap damage was already done.
 * After a loss to the Steelers in the final game of the season and a 3-13 season, GM Ray Farmer and Coach Mike Pettine were fired.
 * In the following post season, Manziel would have another incident with his girlfriend which would result in domestic violence charges. The Browns had enough and cut him, ending the legend.

Eternal suffering

 * The Browns next round of staff included Sashi Brown at GM, Hue Jackson at HC, as well as Paul DePodesta as a Chief Strategy Officer. Yep, they hired the moneyball guy to build the team, because if it worked in baseball it had to work in football, right?
 * The team would finish 1-15, the only win they got was due to the San Diego Chargers fucking up.
 * One of the QBs they used this year was RG3, he got injured in the first game and that pretty much ended any hopes and dreams Browns fans would have with him.


 * Following the disaster of the 2016 season, it had to get better right? Nope! The team would go 0-16 the next season, becoming the second to do so after the Detroit Lions.
 * What is even more surprising is Hue Jackson still had his job after this (though he did turn the whole thing into a charity drive, good man for that), only Sashi Brown would be fired during this campaign.
 * The Browns also agreed on a trade right before the deadline with the Bungles that would give them QB AJ McCarron (which is extremely rare given Mike Brown's stuborness). However, the Browns forgot to submit the paperwork before the 4pm deadline.

Hey Look We Have Hope! Nope! Just Kidding!

 * Following the 0-16 season, Cleveland of course had to make major splashes with their second consecutive number one pick in the draft. They would take Baker Mayfield from Oklahoma as their new QB who on paper is good, but is sometimes defined as a sober Johnny Football.
 * The Browns would actually turn it around a bit this year with a 7-8-1 record.
 * Per Browns tradition at this point, Hue Jackson would be axed after a loss to the Steelers, his tenure was 3-36-1, therefore he officially became the worst coach in NFL history. Offensive coordinator Todd Haley was also shown the guillotine.
 * Their interim replacements would be DC Gregg Williams (aka Mr. Bounty Gate) and Freddie Kitchens respectively. And interesting enough, Williams would actually prove to be a decent head coach, with the Browns even having a slim shot at making the playoffs that year.
 * The post season would wind up even bigger for them, where a dysfunctional Giants team would trade them WR Odell Beckham Jr. They also landed RB Kareen Hunt, who was kicked off the Chiefs for attacking a women (therefore he was suspended for 8 games at the start of the season). Other big names in offense and defense were also signed, with many media outlets claiming the Browns could win a superbowl in 2020 or one of the following years.
 * Just one problem: with all these big names mentioned, there is a shit ton of personality. So they needed a good head coach who could call and discipline the team. The Browns of course fucked up there, they picked Freddie Kitchens for the HC job as Williams took a DC job with the Jets. So they are relying on a guy who was promoted to Interim Offensive Coordinator halfway through last season to oversee the entire team.
 * As a result, the 2019 season was a hot fucking mess.
 * Start off by drawing a shit ton of penalties and loosing to Marcus Mariota and the Titans at home. Greg Robinson would get an ejection for kicking somebody.
 * Beckham decided to wear an expensive watch during this game too, NFL officials asked him to remove it. In another game, him and Jarvis Landry (who were best friends in college) would be asked to remove custom cleetes they were wearing during a game because they weren't meeting NFL's regulations.
 * With the exception as beating an extremely weak Jets team and running over the Ravens somehow, the Browns would get their asses kicked each week, even losing to the Denver Broncos.
 * After said Broncos game Safety Jaime Whitehead would tweet racial slurs to critics and blow up. The Browns would cut him the following day.
 * Mayfield would also shave 3 times that day, he looked like a guy who seen some crazy shit at that press conference.
 * WR Antonio Callaway couldn't stop doing drugs and would be cut.
 * While the Week 11 Thursday Night game would be the first time they beat the Steelers in a long time, the Browns still got in their own fucking way.
 * The only touchdown Pittsburgh got was because the Browns' defense kept drawing penalties.
 * Demarious Randall would helmet to helmet Diaontae Johnson and give him a concussion, he'd be ejected.
 * But that wasn't even the biggest penalty of the night, with only seconds left in the game, DE Myles Garrett would get in a fight with Steelers QB Mason Rudolph, where he would rip off his helmet and attack him with it. Rudolph was ok, and Garrett would be suspended for the remainder of the season. Even with the game won, the Browns players still couldn't control themselves!
 * Even Ben Rothlisberger said it was an disgusting action.
 * The Browns would now be at 4 ejections this season with 3 of them happening from this game alone (DT Larry Ogunjobi was also thrown out for shoving Rudolph after the whole ordeal).
 * By Week 11, the Browns were at 87 penalties this season, the most they had since 1978.
 * Before next weeks game against the Dolphins, Cleveland fans would set up a Mason Rudolph pinata and whack it with a Steelers helmet. Stay classy Cleveland.
 * The Browns faced the Steelers again in Week 13, this time at Heinz Field, before the game, Kitchens' daughters would buy him a fan made "Pittsburgh started it" shirt and he would take a selfie wearing it in public. Great to see he cares about safety. Pittsburgh of course would get the last laugh with Duck Hodges at QB this time (let's face it. Rudolph does suck.)
 * In Week 15's game against the Cardinals, a number of Browns players would run up to the opponent's sideline and yell "come get me!" The Cards would respond by beating them, thus solidifying the Browns as the only NFL team in this decade to not finish with a winning season.
 * Kareem Hunt also admitted after the game that everyone was already checked out for the season, even though they technically weren't eliminated from playoff contention until losing to the Ravens the following week.
 * Kitchen's tenure as head coach would come to a glorious end in Week 17: losing to the 1-win Bungles, Haslam didn't even fucking wait till Black Monday, he fired him only a couple hours after the game. When a 1st year coach deserves to be sacked you know you definitely fucked up as an owner hiring him.
 * And then GM John Dorsey wasn't able to come to terms on the rebuild with Jimmy Haslam! So he left! 

Turning the Tide? Maybe?

 * The Browns then hired Vikings OC Kevin Stefanski who did a terrible job against the Niners in the playoffs just a few days before. If anything it's better than Josh McDaniels.
 * So what did the 2020 season have in store for the Browns? Only the end of their playoff drought, not much.
 * Well it started off the worst way possible, having to face Baltimore and get annihilated 38-6, yep. That's right, the kicker is still missing the extra point!
 * The Browns also failed a fake punt in the first quarter, wtf why?
 * CBS Sports would grade the Browns an F, the lowest rating out of any team.
 * Then, the craziest thing fucking happened, Cleveland went on to beat Cincy, Washington, Dallas, and Indy yeah I know some easy teams but seeing a winning record from the Browns is a rare ass sight.
 * Then of course the Steelers would blow them out, officially having people label them as frauds.
 * That loss however was NOT the dismissal of the Browns as they would actually become a better team despite losing OBJ to injury and Baker still struggling.
 * After posting 10 wins, the playoffs looks a hella lot more likely. But then Week 16 happened and like all the other NFL teams in 2020, they had a COVID outbreak and lost to the tanking Jets. Now it came down to voodoo magic to get them in.
 * AND VOODOO MAGIC THEY GOT. The Browns would get the W and end the longest playoff drought in the NFL.
 * Followed by the franchises first playoff win since 95! (And against the Steelers none the less) This was also without Kevin Stefanski due to COVID. Way to go guys!